The Mother’s Day Gift She left Behind
I am a motherless daughter. There, I said it.
While I am a brand new member of that club no one ever wants to join, as my very first Mom-less Mother’s Day comes barreling towards us, I am actually feeling somewhat grateful. For the wisdom and the legacy and the loving spirit my mom, Grandy, left behind. It may actually be the best Mother’s Day gift I’ve ever received.
That, along with my 91 year old dad she apparently forgot was supposed to go first: a wonderful man and generous father but not one with whom, for most of my adult life, I was ever able to see eye to eye. His Accountant’s left brain never understood my creative right side. To my father, the artist’s way was not the way. He was a Depression baby who spent his life making sure things were safe and secure, whose first born (me) embodied a gypsy kinda energy that made zero sense to him. My pops wasn’t exactly cheering for me when, as a divorced mom, I walked away from a successful TV Producing career, to go create some crazy dream that became Campowerment…a transformative summer camp-inspired, retreat experience for grown ups. One that, if you ask him, tore my mom away, as he crept his way towards 90, content to sit in his recliner all day and into the evening, watching the news, puffing on his pipe. A simple guy who thought my mother belonged right there next to him, keeping the family together. And him on his throne.
But when my she, his College Professor/loving wife of more than 50 years hit her mid-70’s, my mom and I collab’d to create this novel idea that eventually became Campowerment. And she ran away to camp with me, often, stepping into the inimitable and dearly beloved role as our sage Village Elder and Journaling “Counselor”. Grandy was such an enlightened and fabulous human, my dad just didn’t feel like sharing her with anyone, especially a group of strangers who came to love and adore and respect her for her kindness and her wisdom. She and my daughter Chelsea, now Campowerment’s CEO, ran our family business with me, building a movement of 5000 plus newly-empowered people who came to us to #reignitetheirlife. Grandy played a huge part in that.
At a time when most octogenarians were relegated to the back of the card room, Grandy stepped into her light, comfortably owning a room (any room) of people willing to learn from her. And she was so-o-o-o happy to be at the center of this family triumvirate, as our company’s “Goodwill Ambassador”, a title she gave herself, and wore proudly.
Everybody wanted a piece of my mother. When you were standing in front of her, Grandy made you feel like you were the only person in the room, engaging you in conversation that immediately ran deep. Campers often volunteered to be the “Grandler”, escorting her by the arm, from one activity to another, just for some alone time with her Majesty.
But in my dad’s humble opinion, this Campowerment thing messed with his life, and inflated her ego. He joked that he was going to have to replace their front door with a wider one, so her head could fit through it. Even when she was home by his side, my mom spent a crazy amount of hours on the phone, checking in and keeping in touch with dozens of our camper/clients, through loving notes and emails. “Judy Friendly”, my dad called her, because she loved people. Recently, he admitted to me that he was jealous, and quite annoyed by all the attention thrown her way at camp. Especially when people called him “Mr. Grandy”.
One can only imagine how much he resented me for creating Campowerment. Over the past seven years, my mom put a lot of energy trying to bring my dad and me to a harmonious place, but we never quite got there. Not even close. Then she fell while speaking at one of our camp events. Five months later, she was gone. After she died, my father was really mad at me. And he made sure I knew it.
And so, as karma would have it, for the past seven weeks, the guy who was always my harshest critic, the one who blamed me for her death, has been my Quarantine roommate. Yes, I’m now living with the once angry man, still in shock that he outlasted my mom, who then left him with ME, of all people. Just Daddy and me, in the same house. All day, every day. And at night too, when he roams around aimlessly, unable to sleep.
And oh, what a gift it has been. For real.
My mom’s love for me knew no bounds. SHE was always my person, the one I pushed past him to get to. And now I’ve got him. To deal with, by myself for awhile. My sister Jojo lives around the corner and she’s been a saint. But now I’m on duty. What a cruel joke I thought, way back in mid-March when this Quarantine began and I happened to be in town for a wedding, and just didn’t have the heart to leave him all alone. Without Grandy as my buffer, to defend and protect me from my dad’s wrath, I wasn’t sure how I was gonna handle being his live-in caregiver.
But as the weeks unfold, my dad and I are actually finding new ways to love, respect, and bring out the best in each other. Six months ago, thinking we could peacefully coexist under the same roof was a long shot. Now, we’re actually enjoying (almost) every minute of it. We still push each other’s buttons, and he yells at me to go home every once in awhile, but I am learning to not let it crush me. Last week, after an outburst, he even said “I’m sorry”. Not sure I ever, in my whole life, heard him say those two words together. Wow.
I’m cooking us major feasts every night, joined by my sister and nephew. Then we all sit outside, enjoying breezy South Florida nights, and sing along with Frank Sinatra or Tony Bennett or Glenn Miller. Sometimes til midnight. Though dad hadn’t smoked a cigar in 20 years, he’s now sucking on a stinky stogy every night, and no matter how tired he looks, once the music starts, he wakes right up and begins bopping to the beat, amazed by the quality of the sound blaring from that little red Bose speaker. He tells us the same stories night after night, the same ones we’ve heard for years, including the one about how he just knew, 8 days after meeting my mom, that she was the one. My sister and I dance together as he snaps his fingers and sings almost every word to every song, even on days when he asks 5 times (in five minutes) if his accountant has filed his tax return yet.
Yes, I miss my mother ferociously, and it’s so bizarre to be living in her house without her. With him.
But sharing these days and weeks (and now months), through laughter and tears, my dad and I have been healing old wounds and enjoying the hell out of each other. We’re laughing (a lot) at his obnoxious jokes, laying on his bed watching Rachel, holding hands, as I’m catering to his every whim. My Quarantine superpower has become “pushing his hernia back in” when he’s in pain (erase that thought, now please), and my nephew Spencer now calls me the “danny”, aka daughter/nanny. My dad is now truly grateful for the family he and my mom built, which he now admits he never fully appreciated until she was gone. He tells me numerous times a day how safe and protected he feels from “all this Corona bullshit”, and how happy he is that I’m now the one in charge of him. This could never have unfolded like this if my mom were still here.
Oh Grandy, I know you’re engineering this, from wherever you are. With each bear hug Daddy and I now share, numerous times a day (because we’ve been quarantined together for a long time…and we can), I am reminded that it’s you mom, behind all the magic that’s allowed us to this precious time to heal. On this Mother’s Day week, almost six months to the day since you left us, I thought I’d be buried under the covers, enveloped deep in sorrow, mourning life without you. Instead, I feel your presence guiding me on this unforeseen journey, at an unprecedented moment in history where life has stood still and forced us to reexamine everything.
Yes, I am 60 now and motherless, and though my North Star has gone dark, as I take inventory on my life, I am changing my story, and seizing the opportunity to love more, and reprogram the way I live. Like all of us can (and probably should) be doing right now.
Finally: the chance to re-create things, for ourselves, and for each other. To rewrite our tomorrows…to something that will look nothing like anything did in 2019.
If you too are noticing how little you need and how very much you have right now, without spending much money or leaving the house, you are not alone.
And so I ask you what I have continued to ask myself these past two months: What part do you want to play in the new world that’s emerging?
Here at Campowerment, we are quickly learning that powerful things, and people can’t exist in isolation anymore. The digital side of our business didn’t even exist seven weeks ago. We first had to buck up and find a way to become the very best versions of ourselves, so we could contribute our inimitable gifts to the collective community. After dozens of requests form our loyal and loving campers, on March 21, we began fostering connections via Zoom.We started to offer these Expert-led, online, interactive Circles, live, and free of charge, asking our people who could afford it to make a small donation, which we used to help those in our community who were struggling to pay their April bills. While our business too was suffering financially, we began to understand that only through our humanity, could we begin to thrive. We’re now offering 15 Workshops and Circles every single week, giving those in our community, a place to be seen and heard, even in their isolation. More than a thousand new people have joined us, and we’re all learning that life, even in quarantine, while some of us are still physically all alone, we are #bettertogether. People who are looking for a sense of community, to help them feel a part of something bigger than themselves. Who doesn’t want that?
If you’re considering ending your Q earlier than the experts say is safe, endangering others in the process, I invite you to reconsider. Take this time to stay the fuck at home. For everyone’s sake. As the planet begins to heal, and recreate itself, so too can we all.
There are countless lessons hiding in the walls of this pandemic. It’s my mission to help people go find them. Going back to “normal” is no longer a option. It wasn’t all that great anyway, and why Grandy used to say “normal is just a cycle on the washing machine.” I get that now, as her legacy continues to live on in me and ignite me, to continue to share the gifts she left behind, as we get to create our next steps, exactly as we dream them. Fortitude and gratitude are just two of those gifts. And it’s pretty clear to me now, that my mom wants me to get off my ass and start walking her talk, which, I’m realizing, is fast becoming mine.
And though I can’t see Grandy, or hug her or have her by my side ever again, I feel her with me, every day. She told me she’d come back and guide me, disguised as a flamingo, and I see them everywhere. I mean everywhere. I hear my mom’s voice, calmly telling me the time has come for me to help people learn to rewrite their stories and make shift happen. Like I’m doing with my dad.
We can’t hide, stay small or be selfless anymore. The world that lies ahead of us needs the best of us. “Step up or step out the way”, I hear her telling me in the wee morning hours when I can’t sleep. “The world needs you, NOW.” She’s constantly in my ear, on my early morning walks, where I’m noticing the flowers blooming bigger and brighter. Yes, it’s spring, which is always a time for new beginnings, but this year, we’re getting slapped in the face, reminded that there is no better time than this moment, to start anew. With ourselves and each other and the whole big, bold, beautiful new world that is finally teaching us, as a species, so many lessons we didn’t even realize we needed to learn.
For the first time in my life, on this holiday my mom cherished, I am a Motherless Daughter. And as much as that sucks a big one, I am looking forward to a better tomorrow, to giving back and enjoying each day as a blessed mom with two brilliant, delicious, incredible daughters of my own. And an Angel who led me back to my Dad…the little old man whose love has reignited a part of my soul I thought had died with my mommy. How blessed we are to have found each other again.
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In this week leading up to Mother’s Day, to honor all our Mamas, or any of the special women in our lives who birthed us or raised us or loved us or even made us nuts sometimes, Campowerment is packing its live, interactive programs with mom-inspired content. For me, it’s an ode to Grandy, but it’s really designed to help you pay homage to the woman or women in your life who made you who you are today.
We’re partnering with some special, female-founded, like-minded brands* who believe, as we do, in what Grandy etched into one of her journals…that THIS WORLD WILL BE SAVED BY THE WESTERN WOMAN!!! (she actually wrote it just like that, in all caps!).
Click here to register for any of our free and donation-based kickass workshop and circles: https://campowerment.com/digital/
All this week, we’ll:
*Journal about Life without Mom, for anyone whose mother is no longer with us here on Earth
*Share our thoughts on lessons learned from our Mothers in a sacred circle, led by Therapist Suzanne Wachtel, LCSW
*Learn how to have those Tough Momversations, with our moms and our kids, with Handel Group Life and Love Coach Marnie Handel Nir
*Talk with one of the world’s leading Experts on Narcissism, about how to handle toxic people you’re supposed to love
*Get real with Sh*tty Mom Confessions led by NYT Bestselling Authors, and offer extra credit from a veteran teacher who will share Home-Schooling Hacks that can change any mother’s life right now
*Join an open conversation about Grief and all the challenging “firsts” that come with loss with the Founders of “Grand Exit”.
*Learn how to navigate the daunting task of Caring for Aging Parents with Author and Psychotherapist Lois Nachamie
*Share thoughts and insight on Divine Feminine Wisdom in collaborative, facilitated Circles
*and wrap the week with an epic “Mother’s Day Mini Camp”, inviting all moms and daughters and aunties and nieces and grandmas and granddaughters to allow us to guide you through this special day, through meaningful conversations and thought-sharing and crazy fun and games and singing and dancing, which we will all share together, no matter how far apart. There is absolutely nothing you could be doing for Mother’s Day that can beat this experience. Space is limited, so make your plans now to register yourself and your peeps.
Noon to 2:30pm EST. $45 pp.
(there’s some fun yoga and exercise and cooking classes, and even a Passion party, in between all the mom-gramming!)
*Special thanks to:
*LA-based SOTO stores @sotoboutique on Instagram
*One Tough Bitch www.onetoughbitch.com
*West Coast Women’s Reproductive Center www.womensreproduction.com
*Style Union Home by Kym Gold @styleunionhome on Instagram
Please show them some love for helping us spread and share the Mama love this week…
